My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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