I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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