I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Operation Purity has been aborted
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
