TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
