my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
