Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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