i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
