I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
