I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
