My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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