I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
