she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
