you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
