her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
