So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
