Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
