Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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