I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
