Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
