Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
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She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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