Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
