My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
