Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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