I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
