remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
