Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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