so let's talk penis.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
