Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
