high people should be assigned attendants
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
