dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
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she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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