i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
