theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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