3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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