I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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