If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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