Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
