I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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