Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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