I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
