I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
FUCK WHALES
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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