i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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