can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
