just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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