i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
you win again, gameday.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Oh god it's open bar.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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