How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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