Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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