Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
