In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
