New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
