two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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