i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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