Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
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