I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
