So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
