If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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