Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
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Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
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I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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