I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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