i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
