he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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